My old Lotte Berk class essay from 2005 ... Lordy, that was a long time ago!

There are two places in the Boston area that offer Lotte Berk classes, one of which was brought here by two former Lotte Berk instructors who opened a luxury spa and have tweaked the method to develop what they call Core Fusion. That is the class I had planned to attend on Friday but was waylaid by an injury.

This morning I travelled to a little suburb about 5 miles away. It is an enclave of fou-fou ladies-who-lunch and one-of-a-kind boutiques. There is a Starbucks on each corner.

So the class began at 9, I left a bit after 8. As I'm following the mapquest directions, I see suddenly that the area isn't so serene and the cars have gone from Volvos and Range Rovers to pimped out, tricked out, low riding Hondas. I know Lotte Berk Method is not taught amidst graffiti tagged walls and debris littered streets. I turn around, realizing the difference between "St" and "Ave" is tremendous.

Driving slowly, ticking off the impatient latte deprived occupants of the Mercedes behind me, I see the studio. It is early enough to snag parking. As I'm about to make a U-y, a bone-thin, no-fat-in-her-diet woman on a bicycle suddenly appeared and I had to slam on the brakes to avoid hitting her. She never turned around. Dumb gal.

I park and as I'm approaching the studio, I see a small group of women gathered on the sidewalk and lo and behold, Miss Starving Bicyclist is now walking her bike towards the small gathering. I walk up to the group just as another woman approaches from a parked ultra sleek Volvo wagon. She is as sleek as her Volvo: long, lean lines and elegantly muscled. A bit on the thin side but beautiful. She is wearing a platinum necklace with a diamond circle pendant, gargantuan diamond studs in her ears and a diamond and pearl ring on her right ring finger. Her left ring finger is weighed down by a boulder shaped into a marquise diamond wedding ring. She is pulling her hair back into a ponytail and smiling brightly as she greets the women on the street.

She looks directly at me, not recognizing me and chirps brightly, "Hi there! Are you here for class?"

Mesmerized, I said, "Yes!" To which she responded, "Wonderful! What's your name? I'm Sarah and I'm the instructor."

She has pulled out a key and opened the studio. The other women are staring at me curiously. Miss Starving Bicyclist is a bit older than I initially thought, probably in her late 40s. There is another older woman, very skinny with very little muscle tone, a woman about my age who looks supple and strong and two women in their 50s who are short and very squat. They appeared to be doyennes of The Ladies-who-lunch.

We walk upstairs to the Yoga studio, Sarah chattering away the entire time, explaining that she hopes I like it enough to return and that should I join for the customary 10 visit rate, I should make sure they credit me for today. We all remove our shoes and socks then enter the studio. The room is large enough to accomodate us and there is a mirrored wall with a high barre and a brick wall with a lower barre. The room is unbelievably and unbearably hot. There is an air conditioner but the heat of the morning and the previous evening had done it's jobe. Panting already, I grab a mat, a strap and get a little "block."

"What's the block for?" I ask. The other women laugh knowingly.

"You'll see." Sarah looks at me and says, "It's a surprise."



Sarah introduces me as her "new student" to the class and introduces the other women to me who wave happily.

We begin with the traditional high steps, opposite arm and knees, warming up. Then we stretch the left and right arms. We immediately move into push-ups.

Not your usual push-ups. We begin in The Plank. Then we lower down to about an inch from the ground (The Hover in Yoga), then pulling in tightly on the abs, push up. This is agonizing. I am already sweating more than you can possibly imagine and my arms are shaking and trembling. Sarah has her eye on me in the mirror. She is not pleased with my form.

She gets up and comes over to me, giving me very detailed and gentle instructions. When I am in the proper form, it has now taken on a torturous dimension. I am shaking so hard I can't possibly remain upright. Sarah smiles with satisfaction. "That's much better, B" We do three sets of 10 sloooooooooly.

We immediately move to tricep work. Lying flat on the mat with our hands very close to our chests, we bring the elbows way up and imagine trying to press them together. WE ARE GRASSHOPPERS. We then raise all the way up, extending through the length of the arms. By the end of the first set, Sarah has bestowed upon me her mark of approval: "EXCELLENT, B."

We complete a few MORE tricep exercises then get off the mat for stretches. Sarah instructs us to move to the barre. I immediately head towards the end of the barre on the brick wall, nearest the glorious a/c unit. Sarah foils me.

"B! Come up here next to me! Come on, I don't want you hiding in the rear."

She is dead center in front of the mirror.

It is time for seat work. Gals, what we thought was challenging on the DVDs and the Bonus Blasts? A stroll through the park those DVDs are. A. casual. stroll. through. a. child's. park. Thought I was gonna die. Sweat was pouring from my face and dripping down to my shoulders. My arms and back were slick. I glanced over at Sarah and she was also dripping sweat but not trembling although she was grimacing and grunting. She said grunting makes it better. I really thought at one time, when we went all the way down until our bums skimmed the floor whilst still high up on our toes that I would reach over and slap Sarah, but I just had no energy. Besides which, if I removed one hand from the barre, I'd collapse.

We do so many variations of glute, quad, hip and waist work, I am jelly. Nope, I am liquified jelly. But no. We're not done. We get the "blocks." We perch on the blocks, just under the barre and let our heels dangle from the back. We do work for the calf.

We work the calves to death then we push the mats under the barre and press out backs firmly against the wall. I gasp, "Oh God. We get to sit down."

Sarah laughs and says, "Don't even think about relaxing, B!" because we are now ready to move on to ab work. At this point, I am and am now blindly following directions with no resistance. I have no fight left and I can now barely blink. The ab work is as intense as the seat work. I want to clutch the bar that is over my head just to keep myself upright but I have no energy in my arms so I end up doing the exercises in proper form by default.

I am satisfied to see that even the super toned woman my age is struggling and sweating and looking as if someone has beaten her to within an inch of consciousness. Her poor hair is a wet and matted mess around her face, the elastic thing-y skewed off to one side of her head. Yes, I am the devil for taking such pleasure in her misery.

We take a blessed break for water and Sarah goes to collect towels for those of us who have forgotten them. She tells us she expects us to be in full plank upon her return.

She wasn't kidding. The women were getting down into position. I want to go into plank but my arms are quivering and throbbing, my abs are screaming and my legs are shaking and trembling. I'm going to cause an earthquake with all my twitching.

Sarah returns with the towels and I mop myself gratefully. We are now into The Plank again, then up to Downward Dog and she travels around the room, getting us to stretch farther and extend more. We do this endlessly before go BACK TO PUSH-UPS!

We are gradually cooling down now, going into stretches with the strap. Sarah makes us get the "block" again and we hold them between our feet and squeeze tightly for 25 seconds. Then we hold them whilst crunching upwards for three sets. Then she sneaks in more ab work while we're hysterical with pain. She hops up and forces us to reach up another inch to touch her hands and then she grabs our arms from behind and asks us to stretch even more to grab HER arms in turn.

Finally, finally, finally, we are in full cool down and stretch mode and suddenly, mercifully and wondrously, we have completed the class and we're all smiling widely and applauding. It was wonderful! I wanted to kill her, sure but my body felt amazing afterwards and I felt as if I'd pushed myself to the brink in spite of myself.

Sarah said she herself could not be motivated at home when she works out. She asked how many of us would have done that final set of push-ups at home? Uhm, I wouldn't have done the second set, who am I kidding?

But there is definitely something about the community and warmth of kindred souls together in solidarity that does force you to pull out more than you thought possible. It was amazing to see and feel it.

I hadn't even THOUGHT about that ...

... and now that you've made me think about it ... :sick:

I was going to heat a cup of oatmeal in the microwave this morning. I put in the cup and since I only zap it for 10 seconds, I did not cover it. It would not spill over anyway since I was standing there watching it.

One my co-workers screeeeeeeeeeched from across the kitchen, "B, noooo!" and she raced over to the microwave, opened the door and turned to me.

"You need to cover that!"

:annoyed:

Calmly, I responded (and since she was delaying my breakfast I have to admit I probably would have snapped at her but I've been working on calm responses rather than B*tchIwillcutyou reactions :p ), "I'm standing right here, I won't let it overflow."

She said, "Oh, I know! You're OCD like me."

:annoyed:

So what is your issue?

She told me that if I didn't cover what I was heating, whatever nasty particles are on the "ceiling" will soften and drop down in whatever you're heating.


*collective heebyjeeby shudder*

I told her I thought she was going to chastise me for not using a cover for a different reason. :o

So. Maybe nasty things will soften and drop into your stuff and maybe they won't but I'm using a cover from this moment forward.

Something for all of you to think about, especially if you're not inclined to wipe it down BEFORE you use it.

Shawls ... effing shawls

So last night, I had a teeth gnashing, screeching, F bomb dropping session from the deepest recesses of hell as I tried to do a circular beginnings cast on for a shawl.

O M effing G.



Lace yarn, double point needles that were NOT wooden ... OR ADDI since none of my addi lace needles were small enough or wooden.

FINALLY got the cast on down and it has been unbelievably maddening.

I had to go read Elizabeth Zimmerman about 10 times.

I'm looking at her daughter's shawls from A Gathering of Lace .

Funny how lace looks like a shriveled up mess until it's blocked.

This shawl cast on ... made me gnash my teeth and spit nails. I want to drink.

So I ripped the little circular maddening thing ... I'm feeling calmer about the cast on now. So the neighbors are safe.

Rambling Scallops

Good grief, I have been negligent in posting. I have completed the back and have begun the front left of rambling rose.

This has been so much fun. Well, once I'd gotten beyond the part in the beginning during which time I wanted to toss the whole project out of the nearest window.

Rambling along with the rose

*YAY* Progress on Scallops. I'm here to tell you there was teeth gnashing and enough colorful expletives to make a sailor on leave blush

The top photo is truest to color.

It is a beautiful pattern - I love the details and I think it has been worth the HolymuthaofgodwhatinBLOODLYHELLiswrongwiththiseffingpattern” screeches …

I considered doing stockinette as so many have but the heavy texture of reverse stockinette was too appealing … and considering how much drama has been involved in this project, dramatic texture is appropriate …lol

Rambling Rose without the Effing

Yeah, so I'm sufficiently over myself enough to start Rambling Rose again. Thanks to Ailuros and to Hollypots for pointing out simple math ... grrrr.

The stitches outside the pattern repeat within the bold lines are done only twice: at the beginning of the row and at the end of the row.

THE ONE TIME I DID NOT MAKE A COLOR WORKING COPY, THIS HAPPENS. Grrrr.

Make color copies so this kind of thing does not freeze your brain. pink squares, black lines, red squares all look the same in black and white. Sigh.

Rambling Rose has been recast and so far, so good. This pattern presents all kinds of complicated math issues because of the scalloping along the bottom. It allows for two sizes: 30" and 43" and I can't imagine anyone else having such an issue. *rolleyes*

I have no patience for the intense math required in order to successfully modify the pattern down to a size 34" so I'm playing around with needle sizes. I'm knitting the 43" using size 3 needles. The sleeves are quite snug in almost every photo I've seen of the finished project so I think in order to keep with the overall style (super chic fitted body), I will knit the size large arms but taper to the smallest size so that there is a flaring of the sleeves; a bell of sorts. We'll see how that works out. I'm confident ... lol

The yarn is Socks That Rock in Oregon Red Clover Honey from Blue Moon Fiber Arts and it is beautiful. I wanted to do a dark wine/red/bordeaux but the pattern is so delicate that I think a bold color would overshadow it in the fine yarn I'm using. Go bulky all the way or go fine.

Rambling Effing Rose

This pattern is pissing me off good. I've started over 3 times and I've cursed so much my cats think I was raised in a damned barn.

This is Rambling Rose from Laura Zukaite. I am taking this chick's name in vain big time. I've called her everything but a child of God. Devil's spawn was a good one. Hmph.

This is one of those times my friends wonder what's so relaxing about knitting.

I never said knitting was relaxing. Half the time it isn't. It just keeps you from stabbing the knitting needle into the throat of the nearest beast snapping and popping gum ... knitting may keep your ass out of prison but it isn't going to keep you calm.

CO 67 sts and work Set-up row of Scallop Rib chart

The scallop rib chart (set up) is: (each figure representing one stitch, the V being slip 1 kwise)

V, k, k, p, k, p, k, p, k, p, k, p, k, p, k, p, k, kk

The V stitch is outside the "pattern repeat" and the two knit stitches on the end are outside the "pattern repeat"

Also, the set up row is read from left to right and the first row from right to left. I can look at the photos and see how it is SUPPOSED to look but the stitch count is confusing me and what to do to make the scalloped edging is nuts.

My issue

W T F

Using 67 stitches, I can't repeat the block of stitches because I run out. If I don't repeat the block of stitches, I don't get the scallop effect, which is the sl 1 kwise, right?

W T F??? Many people have scrapped the scalloped edge and done a traditional rib but I am not walking away from this ...

How do I get this damned thing going???

And because of this *&$*%& scallop hem, there are only 2 sizes, 30" and 43"

Women have obviously increased this using some intense math for larger and smaller sizes but I'm just going to use tiny needles and knit the large. I'm also going to modify the sleeves so that the scalloping is flared.

Btw, I'm doing this in one color. I have NO patience for dangling effing bobbins and intarsia and snarled, tangled, jumbled, annoying things of yarn.



__________________

Lonely Liesl ... scrapped

I don't like how the silvery-gold threads come together in the garment. For a shawl or scarf, I'd love it. For a sweater. No. Too ... Christmas tinsely. So I've ripped and moved on. If only other decisions could be made so firmly.

Lovely Liesl

I was flipping through Ravelry and was stunned when I found this pattern. I couldn't wait to download it and begin.

I also found the perfect yarn for this yesterday at Seed Stitch in Salem. It's a feathers and fan pattern and it is very similar to the ubiquitous (in knitting communities) Lady Sweater.

I love how this feels and I'm sufficiently over myself after my little how the fuck does a cable cast on work at the end of a row meltdown.

I'm just trying to convince myself it isn't really Sunday night and tomorrow isn't really Monday and the whole wretched work week isn't really about to start again.

I have completed Sexy Lace!

I stayed up until 3:30AM this morning finishing and weaving ends and other impossibly annoying and teeth gnashing things preventing me from a) reveling in it and b) calling it a done deal.

I forced myself to sit patiently while sewing the arm sleeves and weaving in wild, errant strings and hiding knots. Sigh. What a big pain in the ass it all was.

Then I submerged Sexy Lace into a cold wool wash and soaked her for 15 minutes. Wish I'd photodocumented that but hey, it was 3:30 in the damned morning.

My notes from August 6 until today:

August 6, 2009 - Had a moment of DUH in joining last night but wanted to get the pieces on the needles before going to bed. It’s joined and the ribbing has begun! I am so excited - Sexy Lace is almost completed!!

August 7, 2009 - I don’t know my work life was suddenly so crazy but suddenly everything needed to be done last year … very annoying, lol … I could barely work on Sexy Lace.

August 8, 2009 - Maybe 2 rows completed yesterday. Grrrr. And I am running short of this yarn. Jill told me she ordered more - I’m not sure if it is in but I have no patience. I think I’m totally adult A.D.D. … I have dissimilar yarn that will complement the Dream in Color: a dark, dark vino that will do well here in a pinch.

It looks pretty good!

The other yarn is from a frogged sweater for an ex-bf. I had forgotten the rules: NEVER KNIT A SWEATER FOR A MAN WHO IS NOT YOUR HUSBAND … will not forget again, will not forget again … anyway, I frogged that suckah the other day and reveled once again in how beautiful the yarn is; soft and gorgeous and luxe. Blends in very well with Sexy Lace.

Almost on the 2nd decrease round on the yoke, then one more then a bind off. So excited. If I have to stay up late tonight, I just may.

August 9, 2009 12:41AM - I finished it! Yay!! I am sewing the sleeves and weaving ends. I will take a photo of it before it is washed and blocked, then I’ll have a photo of me wearing it!

I LOVE THIS PATTERN!!

August 9, 2009 10:43AM - Sexy Lace is drying after a nice blocking. I added a close up of the lace panel.

Thanks to Cecily for such a lovely pattern. I had so much fun knitting this and the sweater is gorgeous. I tried it on last night and it is absoeffinglutely stunning. yippee!

Sexy Lace

This is a pattern created by Cecily Glowik and introduced to me by Jill at my LYS. Jill is a wonder, a natural at what she does. It was one of the best experiences I've had at a yarn store.

I've had some evil experiences in LYS, the worst being at a snippy little place in Brookline Village, but Jill was warm and welcoming from the very first time I met her.

She showed me this sweater and I was kind of "meh" about it. Then she made me try it on. Love at first fit.

I had to have it. I had to make it.

The color is a gorgeous vino with purples and varying shades of red. The wool is chunky and soft and the lace is sexy. The neckline is sexy. The original pattern calls for buttons but there were no buttons on Jill's and there won't be any on mine.

I've worn buttoned up stuff for far too long and it is time to be done with buttons and every other restrictive, limiting thing.

Who says yarn doesn't give you new perspective?

Hey, I was in a parade!!

... an unwilling participant in a "Hey-it's-Saturday-let's-not-even-get-up-to-the-speed-limit-'cos-we're-tapping-our-breaks-every-10-seconds-in-fear-we-may-actually-reach-15-mph!" weekend parade

Other paraders include, but in no way are limited to:

* The Sit & Wonder What A Green Light Means
* The OMG The Light Is Yellow Let's Slam Our Brakes
* The I Have No Where To Be So I'll Let Every Driver In Front Of Me So The People Behind Me Will Never GET WHERE THEY NEED TO BE
* The Cluster Around The Police Car And Travel 5 MPH
* Block The Intersection Even Though I knew There Was No Way In Hell I'd Make That Light


:annoyed:

A texting mommy = a bored, chunky kid

Image via Wikipedia

So. In the nail salon tonight, a woman comes in with her two kids. One about 5 or 6; the other asleep in a stroller, about 4.

The older boy is ador. able. He was looking at his mommy with

Mommy is preoccupied texting and receiving texts.

Mr. Adorable is super chunky. He is starting to not have a neck. Did I mention he is very young?

She sets up Mr. Adorable across the room in a chair with an iPod and tells him to keep an eye on his brother. She turns the chair around and the stroller around so that they are facing her when she sits in the pedicure chair.

She is waiting for the nail gal so she is texting then holding the phone, staring off into space, waiting for a response. Mr. Adorable is not listening to the iPod; he is playing with the earbuds and looking over at Mommy with

Mommy is jolted by the alert signaling a new message. She's super animated as she texts. When she puts the phone down, she goes back into staring off into space. Mr. Adorable comes over and says, "Mommy ..." and she says, "Hector. Can you go over there and sit down, please?"

Mr. Adorable Hector looks sadly at Mommy. Granted, he can't stand there indefinitely because he will be in the way but until the nail tech comes, there is lots of time for Mommy and Mr. Adorable Hector to chit chat. He is resistant to going back to the chair. Mommy tells him to go on. She looks off into space again.

Mommy gets a text and she is animated again, her thumbs flying across the keyboard. Mr. Adorable Hector shuffles over to his chair and sits down.

He looks over at Mommy with and says, "Mommy." Mommy looks up after a second and raises her eyebrows. He says something about the iPod. She says, "Did you turn it off?" Mr. Adorable Hector says, "Yes, Mommy." Mommy says, "You sure?" He says, "Yes, Mommy." He looks at her again with adoration.

Mommy goes back to the phone. Mr. Adorable Hector comes over again. He is sent back to his chair. He comes over 10 or 15 minutes later and says something about chips. Mommy looks up and says, "Did you look in the stroller?" He says no. Mommy tells him to go back to his seat and look in the stroller.

Mr. Adorable Hector does as he is told. He can't find the chips. Mommy says without looking up, "We will go to the store and get you more chips later."

Mr. Adorable Hector rummages around more and finds a bag of chips.

I know good and bloody well he is not hungry but finding that bag got Mommy's attention. She smiles and tells him to bring it over. He practically runs over to Mommy and gives her the bag to open.

She hands the bag back and tells him to go sit down. He goes back to the chair, sits and just starts stuffing in the chips. He is barely chewing. When he is done, Mommy is now getting her toes done and can't talk to him because she is now talking on the phone, laughing.

Mr. Adorable Hector goes back to the stroller and finds something else in a package. He brings it over, Mommy tucks the phone between her shoulder and ear, opens the bag, gives it back to him and goes back to her conversation. He sits in his chair and throws the crackers into his mouth while staring at Mommy.

Food for Mr. Adorable Hector = LOVE