There is a woman in my office who brings a huge Ziploc of Cheerios in every day and eats … wait, that’s too civil … snarfs, wolfs, vacuums, snorts them down. Inhale wouldn’t be right because inhaling implies a smooth transition down with no hang-ups. Wrong.
She sits a couple of people away and yes, it is 7:30 when she arrives but still … I can hear her tossing them in and SNAP, the steel trap closing on them. Obviously, she chomps with her mouth wide open because the smell of decimated Cheerios makes it way to my area and I tell you, I want to throw up.
The closest description I can give you is a horse chomping on the side of the stable. An exaggerated CRUNCHCRUNCHCRUNCH CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOMP CRUNCHCRUNCHCRUNCHCRUNCH. Just imagine the sound you’d make describing the noisiest eater you have ever heard to someone who hasn’t heard it before and that is what The Horse sounds like. And again, I sit two cubicles away. The aroma of chewed up nasty Cheerios. Gaggaggaggag.
I have dry heaves. And I haven’t even begun on the noise and how my body cringes each time the CRUNCHCHOMPCRUNCH begins. The new VP sits RIGHT THERE. I mean RIGHT THERE beside me. Too close in my opinion. VPs need offices but that’s another rant for another entry. He arrives at 7 so he’s held hostage to her Cheerios Crunch Fest. He has to wonder why they put him in the center of a barn.
I had to walk by her desk because I really didn’t believe a lone human could generate so much damned noise. I casually cruised by and looked over. The Ziploc bag was ¾ empty (Thank GOD! The torment is almost over) and her hand was resting inside.
Does she really think eating a half box of dry Cheerios is healthy? Did she see a mother give a kid dry Cheerios and think, “WOW, that’s a healthy snack!!” Well, the portion the mother gave to her kid probably WAS healthy. Pretty sure it wasn’t half the damned box.
When does she go on vacation so the rest of us can have a vacation?
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